It’s ok to be human!

Every relationship has its challenges. Whether with partners, parents, children, or friends, conflicts arise, buttons get pressed and our ‘stuff’ comes up. It’s normal, it’s natural and it’s a part of being human. Why then would we expect the relationship between carers and clients to be any different?

Often people see carers, mentors and support workers as superheroes. They label them as ‘selfless, understanding, kind, generous and compassionate.’ They are expected to engage well with their clients under any circumstances, make no mistakes and always remain calm and professional. And yes, you would hope they are all these things.

The truth is they also get angry, sad, annoyed, scared and frustrated. Do you know why? Because they are human! They are working in a relational situation for up to 10 hours straight, sometimes with volatile clients. They get tired and stressed, things trigger them and emotions bubble to the surface.

What’s important is learning how to deal with these moments when they happen. The team at HYPAR use the following reminders to keep them on track when things get out of hand. They don’t necessarily use all of them every time, or in this particular order:

  1. Remove yourself (where possible)
  2. Reflect on the situation
  3. Realise it’s you that is having the problem
  4. Reach out for help
  5. Remain curious
  6. Remember you’re human!

Remove yourself

When things aren’t going well with a client in a particular situation or over a period of time and you start to feel emotions rising, you need to remove yourself momentarily, only of course if you are able to leave the client on their own. Step out of the house, or move to a different area, away from the client and just take a few deep breaths.

Tell your client what’s going on in a professional and encouraging way. Let them know you need some time out. One HYPAR mentor described a situation where he said to the client, “Look I’m really sorry. I just need to remove myself for a couple of minutes. I need to think about what’s going on right now. I’ll come back and talk to you in a minute.” That’s how to remove yourself respectfully. You’re not blaming the client, because sometimes it’s not their fault. They’re just being human too!

It’s not always a case of being triggered by a client yelling at you, hurling abuse, or hitting you. They may be sharing a very personal story that touches you deeply. Just as it’s not appropriate to lash out, neither is it professional to crumble. Ross, the founder of HYPAR recalls a situation where he had to remove himself from a situation. “My client’s story triggered my own past which made me feel sad for both of us. I told him, ‘I just need five minutes.’ I went to the toilet, had a few tears and gathered myself.”

It may seem ok to show that level of empathetic emotion, but as Ross explains “If he saw me being upset it might cause him to not feel safe anymore because I can no longer contain my emotions.”

Reflect on the situation

Self-reflection is one of the core values at HYPAR. Staff are encouraged and supported to look at their behaviour and how it impacts on others. They learn how a client can trigger their emotions, those past hurts and traumas in their own life, simply by something they say or do.

When a person is triggered in a situation, it’s a great opportunity to take a look at the reason for it – to try and understand where the emotions have come from and what they’re about. As a carer you need to be the adult in the relationship. In some cases you can’t remove yourself. What you can do is take a breath and tell yourself “Ok, this is my stuff. I need to think about it later, but right now I need to be here for my client.”

Realise it’s you that is having the problem

It’s important when you go into a relationship with a client you understand you’re taking your own stuff in as well. You’ll bring your conscious and unconscious issues and concerns from your own life, your own background to the job. Everyone does. And you can’t separate your ‘good’ from your ‘bad. You’re human remember. It’s all one package.

Unlike some jobs however, when something comes up, you can’t cry or get angry in front of your client, or huff off to the tearoom. You have to remain calm and professional and do your job. It’s incredibly difficult sometimes.

Reach out for help

Most people are not good at asking for help. Support workers are no different, in fact it can be more difficult for them to seek support as they’re held up as people who have it all together and are always there for others.

Of course carers try to be as professional as they can, but everyone has ‘stuff’ – some of it conscious, some unconscious that’s lingering in the background. It’s not unusual for a youth worker to be going along great thinking they’re ok and all of a sudden they’re burning out or having a breakdown because something’s set them off that they didn’t know was there or that they thought they had a handle on.

Ask for help. Call your supervisor and talk things through with them. Explain what’s happened, that there’s been a blow up, that you’re having a ‘human moment’ and you don’t know whether it’s you or the client. Don’t carry it around. Get it out, talk it through.

Seek professional help if you need it to clear any emotional baggage you’ve discovered. You’ll become a better human for it and a better support to those in your care.

Remain curious

Curiosity is a great way to learn and heal. Rather than be self-critical or judge yourself for what may have happened with a client, try saying ‘It’s interesting that situation pressed my buttons; I wonder why that came up; what’s that emotion all about; what’s making me react to this situation?’

Curiosity leads to compassion, not just for your client, but for yourself.

Remember you’re human

A lot of people get into this sector because they’ve experienced difficulty in their life and are drawn to helping others which is truly admirable. Recognise that you come to the job with stuff… and that’s ok. It’s how you deal with it when it appears that matters. Learn a little self-compassion so you can say, “You know what, that was a really bad shift tonight and I could have done things better or interacted better. I’ll learn from it and move on.”

We are born with a full range of emotions. Express them fully when you have some quiet time, rather than letting it build. Remember also, those challenging moments are not a reflection of your skills, or capacity or level of care. They are an opportunity to learn more, heal old wounds and grow to be the best human for you and for your clients.

Matt and Chris – An insight into the mentor-client relationship

Matt first came to HYPAR as a 16 year old. He was suffering with extreme social anxiety and Asperger’s. His anxiety had left him with a sleep disorder that kept him up all night. He had no interest in getting out of bed during the day, let alone to leave the house. Matt explains how difficult his life had become.

“I clearly remember having a strong will to deny communications with anyone. I was reclusive and an extreme introvert. My participation in the community had dwindled to virtually none and I was not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.”

Matt started working with HYPAR mentor Chris. It was slow going, but Chris was patient and wanted Matt to know it was ok to take things at his pace.

“I had an honest desire to get to know Matt as a person, not just as his diagnosis.”

Over the first couple of weeks Chris learned that Matt had an interest in computers. He started opening up about dabbling in comical graphic art pieces, so Chris introduced him to Photoshop and gave him a few lessons on how to use it.

“First we looked at comical stuff” said Chris “But I expanded the tutorials to cover more complicated Photoshop tools. Matt was soon tinkering with stock images he found online. That’s when I suggested he look at capturing his own images to make his pictures truly his own.”

Matt was keen on the photography idea so Chris helped him get started in a safe, quiet way with nature photography, simply driving around Samford Valley. The pair then started hiking through nature reserves like Cedar Creek until Chris gradually began to bring Matt into more populated environments.

“Soon we were doing weekly grocery shopping for his mum” said Chris with a smile” and he’s now excited to be attending his first job interview.”

Matt is grateful to have a mentor like Chris. Together they’ve created a relationship built on trust, understanding and support. And Matt has been able to slowly regain his confidence through many of the outings and activities he’s enjoyed with Chris by his side.

“In the past few years, I’ve honed my photography and editing skills.  I’ve also done activities such as trekking, exploring, driving and navigating through reserves, creeks and small waterfalls. It’s motivated me to see more and do more.”

Matt has also learned practical life skills that have helped him develop in many areas.

“Chris has helped me fine-tune my capability to handle emotional burdens. I now have strategies that keep me on the right track. I’m able to actively make decisions, attend appointments and stick to a weekly routine.”

Matt has make incredible progress, gained more independence and his future looks bright. He can now see that light at the end of the tunnel.

“I never thought I would seek employment actively, or be reaching out to the community to offer a helping hand. Thanks to positive reinforcement, constructive feedback and motivation, Chris has helped me establish short-term and long-term goals. His encouraging words have made me hopeful for the future.”

© Christopher Holloway

Lessons from the Bat Cave.

After the trauma experienced by young Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) it’s incredible how he was able to transform himself into the caped crusader – fighter of evil. Once you scratch beneath the surface of this dark, moody, tortured vigilante, you quickly learn how the challenges he faced in his youth were actually the catalyst for his dual life of playboy billionaire by day and ‘right-fighter’ by night.

A shocking event

Bruce had a happy childhood growing up in Gotham City as the only child to wealthy, yet charitable parents Dr Thomas and Martha Wayne. That was until tragedy struck and changed the course of young Bruce’s life forever. Wayne and Martha were walking home from the theatre one night with Bruce in tow, when they were held up at gunpoint by a mugger, a criminal known as Joe Chill. He demanded the pearl necklace that Martha was wearing. When Dr. Wayne refused to hand it over, both he and Martha were shot dead. Bruce hid in the shadows and watched in shocked silence, unable to move as his beloved parents’ lives were taken.

Fortunately, physician and social worker Leslie Thompkins was making a house call to the Wayne’s residence that night, and arrived to see a terrified and traumatised Bruce. With help from the family’s wise and loyal butler Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce was raised on the Wayne Manor Estate becoming a loner, with very few friends.

Turning point

There was only one problem. Bruce couldn’t move on. He was tormented by the vivid memory of that night, seeing his parents murdered by some low-life scum.
He was angry, but instead of turning that anger inward, he chose to turn it into something useful – ridding the world of some truly nasty characters.
Remember his oath?

“I swear by the spirits of my parents to avenge their deaths by spending the rest of my life warring on all criminals.”

So Bruce spent his youth travelling the world, training himself to intellectual and physical perfection. He learnt crime-fighting skills including chemistry, criminology and forensics while studying hunting, hand-to-hand combat, gymnastics and many forms of martial arts.

Why the bat?

It’s interesting that Bruce chose a bat to be his symbol. The story goes that he had a bat phobia stemming from childhood when one crashed through a window in the manor. So instead of allowing his phobia to take hold, he picks his own most-feared creature and embraces it. His theory was that he would make himself stronger by using a symbol which actually frightened him. Interesting stuff! He designed a cool looking costume equipped with some amazing experimental technology and set out against the crime and corruption that thrived in Gotham City.
And so Batman was born.

Mere mortal

His physical prowess and technical ingenuity makes him an incredibly dangerous opponent. He soon discovers the city has no shortage of villains to fight; Joker, Riddler, Penguin, Bane and Ra’s al Guhl, all coming face-to-face with Batman’s brilliance.

As you know, Batman, unlike other ‘Superheroes’ actually has no ‘super-powers’ at all. He’s a man – a highly intelligent and skilled man, but still just a mere mortal. Well, ok, he does have a few nifty gadgets in his utility belt, but his greatest weapon by far is his extraordinarily inventive mind.

Batman’s strength lies in his determination not to back down. He uses the pain of his loss to keep him motivated in his mission to rid the streets of violent criminals. He never let the tragedy of the past dictate what his future would look like. He set himself his goal, swore his oath and under cover of darkness (and mask) put all he had learnt to good use.

The mask

So why hide behind a mask? Why not just go out and punch a few lights out? Well I guess the story wouldn’t be as enticing if he did. Batman likes to stick to the shadows, completely silent and unseen. Eventually, he strikes, but until then he remains hidden from anyone looking for him.

Was he really hiding behind that mask? Probably – after all, he still had his playboy reputation to uphold. But when you set out to rid the world of evil, does it matter whether you do it incognito? Probably not! As long as you achieve the desired end result (no more villains) it doesn’t really matter if you put your hand up and say “Um… that was me!” If it feels safe to have a mask on to do what you need to do, then go for it!

Oh and throw into the mix the bat cave! Talk about facing and embracing your fears. Isn’t a bat cave where bats live?  As for the bat-mobile, well seriously, if you had bucket-loads of money and you needed a mode of transport complete with an arsenal of ingenious weapons, you wouldn’t choose a Hyundai!

A true hero

Perhaps of all the superheroes throughout time, Batman is the most relatable and realistic. He’s just a guy. Sure he has a lot of good stuff going on in his life, but he could have chosen a different path. He could have chosen self-harm, drug abuse, self-indulgent behaviour or a couldn’t-give-a-damn attitude. He didn’t. He chose to make use of his time, learn stuff, stretch a little, get good at a bunch of things, and Gotham City is all the better for it. He chose to face his fears and turn his anger into making the city a safer place. No wonder he’s still a hero to many little (and not so little) boys.